Recently during a midafternoon break for fuel, a la Starburst Jelly Beans, some of my fabulous colleagues and I discovered an entire aisle end devoted to life changing products. (If I were not myself there would have been a winking emoticon here.) Really, it is still beyond me as to not only why they are in a store. And I can talk myself into needing just about anything and everything.
To let you in on a few of the world’s wonders, I sucked up my pride and took photos. The existence of these things is the work of functioning crack addicts…
There’s the Genie Bra, “what all women wish for.” Ladies, you can discover comfort! Discover support! And even discover seamless! All that you ever hoped you could have is now available, and you may not have even known. It looks like there are even colors to choose from. But how will you make such a decision? Hurry, quick, go get your adult training bra before it’s too late!
The Toe-kini (I actually got a little nauseous typing that), which promises to “prevent toe-squish.” (Again, with the nausea. And, is the hyphen really necessary?) This must-have item resembles a brief—not a bikini, quite frankly, but I suppose toe-ief was probably already under patent—for your foot. While it may actually be somewhat useful, the name and well, the product in general is far too disgusting to belong in this life. Really, underwear for your feet?
Oh, and the Cami Secret! This is just getting worse. It’s like a quarter, no, no not even a quarter, more like and eighth of a shirt that “quickly and easily clips on.” Yes, that is right, we have all been searching for something to save us from wearing entire shirts under sweaters, because good Lord, a whole cami is just too much. So bulky, right? What sort of garment can this even be classified as? Yes, you too can shred your last piece of dignity and quickly clip on your shirt piece before heading out for the day.
This last how-do-we-live-without-it product is simply, well, it’s simple. Because “no more bending to clean your feet” with Easyfeet! Please clean your feet, people. And, while I know the built in pumice stone is tempting, and the promise of a massage may be a deal breaker, I think soap may be the real answer. And a washrag. Or even a loofa. And while I’m sure Easyfeet is 100 percent sanitary, and not weird in the least, ask yourself what guests will think when they use your restroom to find foot shaped scrub brushes sitting next to your shower. Don’t you want to have at least one friend?
I’m not sure what makes my heart palpitate more—the fact that these things really exist for purchase, or the flagrant use of ampersands, randomly capitalized words and exclamation points on their packaging. Cue anxiety attack.