So these things are real...

Every city has their own chain of convience/pharmacies—in Chicago, it’s Walgreens; New York has Duane Reed; and in little ol’ DC there is CVS. I’m no expert on the first two, but CVS is damn near my second home. Living downtown the store has become my everything, because it has just about everything. Everything you don’t need, just when you do.

Recently during a midafternoon break for fuel, a la Starburst Jelly Beans, some of my fabulous colleagues and I discovered an entire aisle end devoted to life changing products. (If I were not myself there would have been a winking emoticon here.) Really, it is still beyond me as to not only why they are in a store. And I can talk myself into needing just about anything and everything.

To let you in on a few of the world’s wonders, I sucked up my pride and took photos. The existence of these things is the work of functioning crack addicts…

There’s the Genie Bra, “what all women wish for.” Ladies, you can discover comfort! Discover support! And even discover seamless! All that you ever hoped you could have is now available, and you may not have even known. It looks like there are even colors to choose from. But how will you make such a decision? Hurry, quick, go get your adult training bra before it’s too late!

The Toe-kini (I actually got a little nauseous typing that), which promises to “prevent toe-squish.” (Again, with the nausea. And, is the hyphen really necessary?) This must-have item resembles a brief—not a bikini, quite frankly, but I suppose toe-ief was probably already under patent—for your foot. While it may actually be somewhat useful, the name and well, the product in general is far too disgusting to belong in this life. Really, underwear for your feet?

Oh, and the Cami Secret! This is just getting worse. It’s like a quarter, no, no not even a quarter, more like and eighth of a shirt that “quickly and easily clips on.” Yes, that is right, we have all been searching for something to save us from wearing entire shirts under sweaters, because good Lord, a whole cami is just too much. So bulky, right? What sort of garment can this even be classified as?  Yes, you too can shred your last piece of dignity and quickly clip on your shirt piece before heading out for the day.

This last how-do-we-live-without-it product is simply, well, it’s simple. Because “no more bending to clean your feet” with Easyfeet! Please clean your feet, people. And, while I know the built in pumice stone is tempting, and the promise of a massage may be a deal breaker, I think soap may be the real answer. And a washrag. Or even a loofa. And while I’m sure Easyfeet is 100 percent sanitary, and not weird in the least, ask yourself what guests will think when they use your restroom to find foot shaped scrub brushes sitting next to your shower. Don’t you want to have at least one friend?

I’m not sure what makes my heart palpitate more—the fact that these things really exist for purchase, or the flagrant use of ampersands, randomly capitalized words and exclamation points on their packaging. Cue anxiety attack.

I'll take s'more of that.

I try to cook, I really do. Well, full disclosure—I tried to cook and occasionally try again to no avail. Every once in a while, I think it can’t be that hard and it turns out that cooking, for me, in fact is that hard. There are so many moving parts to a meal, and it’s a dash here and a to taste there and take this off the heat before…before what? To whose taste? Dash is a form of running, like the Presidential Fitness test in which we were all forced to participate in elementary school. I didn’t like running a short distance for an eraser and I don’t like the term near my food. Case closed.

But baking, now that is something I can get on board with.

Such exact measurements with specific directions that must be followed to a T. And the end result is pure happiness, because no one is baking to get skinny. There is no such thing as a lean brownie or a light cheese cake. At least not in the land of the normal. Desert is simply for goodness; a treat, if you will. Nobody orders a birthday risotto with candles. No, because cooked goods are for sustenance and baked goods are not rational, but for fun. I mean, you need a pair of winter boots, for commuting purposes, so your feet don’t freeze and fall off, but once you get to work, you probably have something a little more fun, a la Tory Burch for your feet to bask in while they rest all day for the trip home.

Right? Right.

Recently at a friend’s surprise birthday barbeque, I enjoyed one of the most to die for post-meal treats I have devoured to date. In fact, so delightful I was caught hoarding a take home plate full of them. In my defense, it’s a long drive home from Pennsylvania, and I really think when not regulated with processed sugars, that in my blood drops low, causing an uncontrollable crabbiness. It really was for the benefit of everyone in the car.

It wasn’t just me who found these reinvented S’mores to be the epitome of culinary experiences, just about everyone at the party was trying to mask their chocolate covered fingers, so to have another without looking like a glutton.

Luckily we snagged the recipe and because I feel like joining the running for the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m sharing with you. With the happiness they bring, these treats are going to stop wars. I just know it.

Also, though instantaneously addicting, you will be surprise and delighted to know, crack is not an ingredient. The recipe says it will serve 24, but I will say it’s a hearty two.


T’s Smores
12 whole honey graham crackers
Non-stick spray
3/4 cup butter
3/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
3/4 cup white chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Arrange graham crackers in a single layer in 1x10x1 inch pan lined with parchment paper and sprayed with non-stick spray. Melt butter and sugar in saucepan on medium high heat. Heat to boiling – boil for 2 minutes without stirring. Spread over graham crackers. Bake for 8 – 10 minutes or until lightly browned and bubbly. Remove from oven and immediately sprinkle with semi-sweet chips. Let stand 2 – 3 minutes. Spread melted chocolate chips over baked layer. Sprinkle with white chocolate chips and let melt 2 – 3 minutes. Use spatula or back of spoon to create swirl design. Cool completely in refrigerator before breaking into pieces. Serves 24.